I will be turning 24 next month. The only accomplishment I’ve ever acquired was 23 years of age. I never fit in. It matters not where I go. I used to be very sad growing up during my teenage years. Eventually, the depression turned to anger at around 21. I fear I am beginning to lose everything that insures my yearning for life.
I have never had a girlfriend — never even been kissed. My mother cheated on my father, which lead to his death due to alcoholism. That was when I was about 7. Ever since, I have always treated women with extreme prejudice. She killed my father… There are nights when I think about killing her in many horrid, gruesome ways. However, I cannot give in to such childish intent.
I love my mother, but I will never forgive her. My father and I never got along. My last words to him were expressed with disdain. I never got a chance to tell him I loved him, and that I was sorry. I hate myself everyday for that.
Suicide is always in my train of thought. Even when I am at work or with a friend. I think about it so… Hang myself or blow my head off. Overdose or bleed out. I’ve never really had any friends until later in my life. Childhood friends had disappeared long before then. Now that I have friends, I feel so very weird. I can talk to them, but I watch what I say, trying to not give away my hidden demeanor.
I don’t know how to deal with them, so I try to stay away for long periods of time, for I have favored aloness since kindergarten. I am not shy; just quiet. Haven’t really anything to say. I stay concise in my conversations: yes or no. I am very confident with my appearance; I go to the gym 5x a week, building my strength and defining my body. Even then, I am losing interest in that.
All I really have left is my brother and sister. My brother means more to me than anything. I can tell him nearly anything. He has almost died twice due to overdosing on pills. If he goes, I go. I am writing this because I want to actually fear losing my life.
I don’t want to kill anyone. Sometimes I think that if I can cause misfortune to others, they could feel how bad I feel… But that is selfish. Which is also something I want to stop — I want to stop wanting to hurt people.
As far as racism goes, I am not. Well, for the most part anyway. Being white and growing up in a black neighborhood leaves you with a different feeling towards blacks. I am not one of those white men you see expressing his hatred towards blacks for no reason. I view them differently through experience.
I thought I might continue my schooling in college. I always wanted to be a psychiatrist. Always. I was always treated differently because of my demeanor/skin tone. I want to help those that the whole world sees differently, for I know how it is. I was on more prescription drugs as a child than a pharmacy could store.
Just to see someone smile a true smile because they know it will all be better tomorrow. It is a great feeling. When friends come to me, I do try my best to help them with their conundrums. I guess I secretly value my friends after all. I don’t even care about how much money they make, for I don’t even care to ask. Just to do something for someone that completely changes their life is all I want to do.
However, now that I am in college, I feel it greatened my feeling of hopelessness. I thought going to college was the answer for myself. Turns out, I am worse than before I went in. I have homework that I have to do, but I am thinking about seriously killing myself soon. I don’t want to live anymore. Sometimes, I pray to God to stop this, but he never does.
I used to think God existed, but this life is giving me second guesses. I just want to see my father again. I don’t want to see my brother, the only person I care about, die. I want to be afraid to lose my life. I don’t want to get so angry, I hurt anyone else. Please, somebody…help me.
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