I’m always worrying that one thing I do will lead to losing my parents or to hurting them (I literally live in paranoia of this). I was raised to be a good liar and to lie to everyone (not intentionally, but I just knew that being unhappy was selfish and since I was depressed as a child I knew to become a faker). I guess that paved the way for the day when an eating disorder would take over my life, because I knew that I could hide my food the way I do my true emotions and that I could just lie about eating. It’s been years since that all took hold in my life and I thought I was spared from hurting my family and that my eating disorder was somehow content to ruin everything except for my family. I’m realizing now though that I was wrong. I’ve tried getting rid of my eating disorder, but it’s so much a part of me (even my thoughts unrelated to food are tainted by it). Now I see that what I thought was rock bottom was probably more of a middle period. I can’t seem to stop it, but in being unable to stop it I have to hurt my parents. They push food on me so often and I just want to say no. I’m scared though that they’ll never forgive me. I don’t blame my dad for his alcoholic outbursts or when he throws things when he’s mad, but while my parents can accept alcoholism or the illegal activities of my sibling (which he got in trouble for with the police already, so I don’t mean anything against them) my eating disorder would be the ultimate disappointment (I’m the one who they rely on, the one who never disobeys, the one who is still there loving them after they take their anger out on me, etc., and something as simple as saying no to food would earn me their hatred).
I just wish I could know that one day it would all be worth it and that maybe one day they’d understand and realize that it’s not an attack upon them and that I turned to my eating disorder because at first it helped me to keep on showing them how happy I was when they couldn’t help me when I asked them just once to do so.
Do you think some parents just can’t understand? Sometimes I read these articles or see eating disorder movies and ultimately the parents just want their child back, but that’s probably because parents who don’t understand don’t make for a story of love and support (I adore my parents, I just mean that they don’t udnerstand eating disorders- my mom would applaud me if she knew how long I can go without food and my dad would take it as a personal offense against the recipes he himself likes).
Thank you.
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