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Please do not tell me what i should have done to remain a virgin… I know good and well .i lost my virginity it at 14 1/2 after sept 11 to be exact… lot of things contributed… bad advice, fear of the world ending and it not being something i experienced, and low self-esteem. later i lost both of my parents a year apart of each other.

I try to stop but i do it for the false companionship…. sometimes i try to keep one partner to cut down on the numbers but i lose interest quick and find another. I have been hurt by many of them and only 5 meant anything to me. I do it to releave stress but i do get depressed and regret it but i cant seem to say no.. i day dream about sex and notice that one of the first things i do when i meet a guy is judge on how good it would feel to be with them sexually.

I’ve had only 2 longterm relationships… and very faithful but when im not in a relationship i cant control myself
* telling myself it isnt right.. i am worth more … etc. does not work trust i am about to be an insurance agent. Im an orphan who takes care of my younger sis and her daughter and live in a townhouse. get paid nicely. am very beautiful and talented. But i cannot control my impulse to have sex! and i wanna stress impulse because i really think that i do it just to do it. I wanna be loved having no parents leaves a big emotional gap and i wanna fill it but how can i do that if i cant resist sleeping with someone before i get them to really know me. I again wanna say i dont think i have low self esteem i just really cant say no to sexual situations and i sometimes create them… I should get help right? am i alone?
* My parents know i was not a virgin i told them.. we were very close yes they wer disappointed. but bottomline was they were there for me. IMy father did tell me that i need to be careful that a sexual addiction runs in the family( i actually have an uncle with 26 kids/ 6 being from his current wife) could this be what is happening. is this a part of my heritage or did his words subconsciously stay in my mind and trigger this behaviour
lmao not a fear of the world ending! when i lost it.. that was one of the reasons .. seems dumb but i was still a child:(

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We weren’t aware of Holly’s entrance until we heard the familiar sound of high heels scraping the wooden ground. Every time. Mike and I looked up, amused, to see Holly regaining her footing before storming over to our table.
“Don’t say anything” she challenged, glaring at us before looking down at the menu. Mike and I held back our laughter as Holly skimmed through the menu. She always had the same thing, I have no idea why she even bothered looking.
“So how was last night?” Mike asked me, changing the subject completely.
“Oh god” I complained, resting my head in my hands, “it went terribly”
“How?” Holly asked, concerned.
“I think the police were there somewhere” I confessed. I hadn’t mentioned anything to Will yet. Mostly because he would tell me I was over-reacting. “And Will made the biggest deal yet… What if the police were there? What if Will goes to jail?”
“Oh come on Michelle” Holly replied, rolling her eyes. “Will hasn’t been caught yet, why would he now?”
“I don’t know. But I’m worried”
“You worry about everything” Holly replied before setting the menu down. She was right.
A waiter walked over and smiled politely at us.
“Are you ready to order?” he asked us. Holly looked him up and down, grinning.
“I sure am” she replied as she winked at the waiter.
Mike and I couldn’t hold it in anymore, we both fell into a fit of laughter as we watched the waiter’s uncomfortable expression. Holly wasn’t happy.
“The garden salad” she spat as she glared at us. The waiter jotted it down quickly, obviously wanting to leave quickly.
“I’ll have the vegetarian lasagne” I added between giggles.
“The pumpkin soup” Mike added after me before laughing again. The waiter left and hurried back to the kitchen without a backwards glance.
“Nice work Holly” Mike said, his face straining to keep straight.
“Yeah, if only I could pick up like you…” I added, grinning. Mike and I stopped when we saw the look Holly was giving us. If looks could kill…
“Anyway” Holly started, between her teeth, “Leisa’s dead, huh?”
“I still can’t believe it” Mike exclaimed, his brown eyes staring off to something that wasn’t there.
“I can” I replied sombrely. Leisa was a drug addict, like most the people I know. She was in and out of rehab when she could afford it so when I heard she had overdosed on heroin the other day it didn’t really come as a shock.
“But her funeral’s in a couple of hours,” Holly started, “that’s all too real”
“I know what you mean” I agreed.
We sat in silence, thinking about Leisa and how it could happen to anyone until our food came.
“Promise me you two won’t do that to me” Mike announced, breaking the silence. His eyes were on his soup as he twirled his spoon through it.
“Do what?” Holly asked, shoving a piece of lettuce into her mouth.
“Overdose” He replied before finally starting on his meal.
“Promise” I replied, “I couldn’t live with myself if I let you guys do that”
“But it wouldn’t be your fault” Holly said, confused.
“Who would you have gotten the drugs from?” I reminded them. Mike shook his head.
“Will. Not you. Don’t worry”
“I can’t” I mumbled, taking a forkful of lasagne and shoving it into my mouth. I always worried. What if the drugs that I helped sell ended up in a dead person’s veins? It definitely would be my fault. I could have stopped it!
We were silent again as we finished our meals. None of us wanted to leave the café and make our way to the church. While Leisa wasn’t a close friend, it really hit home.
Can you just tell me what you think. It’s centred around Michelle and is ultimately a love story between her and a police officer.
Whoops. Just realised the title of the question should say ‘Incomplete’ not ‘Uncompleted’. Stupid me.

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A Girl….

A depressing story I say
To you that may not care
A girl you might have known
Who sat alone
Without worries she looked
Around at people’s smiles and laughs
And she who never could smile
Stayed alway from those people
They didn’t understand her
Or why she never spoke
Because the turth be told
That she was insane
They say
She always walked alone
And when she got home
There was no difference
Why should she speak
To the ones that don’t care
So she walks up to her loney room
And takes a blade to her arm
Blood drips to the floor
And tears down her cheeks
What she has done so many times
Still hurts her more and more
But the need is addiction
And cannot be stopped
She lays down in bed
And looks out the window
And wonders why this is happening
To someone who never thought
Of this before
Who always knew what she was doing
That always spoke
And always cared about life
But one day came
When people turned there backs to her
So she keeps bleeding
And just keeps hurting more….
This is so not about me….I have a lot of poems….I like writing them to!! I have entered one on poetry.com and I got a award for it. I just write what comes to my head. This one is not about me……but most of my other poems are.

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Monsters in the dark, Secrets in my wake

The words just won’t flow
things just won’t work
my gears won’t turn
out of fear
of losing my delsion
of losing my false hope
But each and every day
my delision begins to fade
panic overtakes me as lies
turn to honesty
hopes turn to disappointment
I won’t let it go
even if it kills me
I won’t let it go
because you are my addiction
you are my herorine
only ten times worse
addictive enough to kill
but pretty enough to ease the pain
you the kind of thing that
leads a person to thank god
for dieing
to thank god for torture
you don’t see
how much I truly need you
its like the itch
the vein
has for the needle
but I know that I have to let go
I can’t keep this up
its killing me
the pain
is burying me
I don’t know who I am
only what I was
I’m only a shell
a monster now
but what does it matter?
my life is over
but not because of you
because of addiction
you see what I say
do you know what I mean?
I can’t explain what I’ve see
you see now
you furrow you brow
out of frustration
you don’t understand
I was so weak
I was supose to break
not you
you were to take off
in the dead of night
no this ending isn’t right
you must of miscaculated
or this just a show
to make fall
but I’m not that slow
its over now
I’m gone
its far from a clean break
but its the only chance
I could take
the scars they will fade
I was sick of the charade
goodbye

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I’m always worrying that one thing I do will lead to losing my parents or to hurting them (I literally live in paranoia of this). I was raised to be a good liar and to lie to everyone (not intentionally, but I just knew that being unhappy was selfish and since I was depressed as a child I knew to become a faker). I guess that paved the way for the day when an eating disorder would take over my life, because I knew that I could hide my food the way I do my true emotions and that I could just lie about eating. It’s been years since that all took hold in my life and I thought I was spared from hurting my family and that my eating disorder was somehow content to ruin everything except for my family. I’m realizing now though that I was wrong. I’ve tried getting rid of my eating disorder, but it’s so much a part of me (even my thoughts unrelated to food are tainted by it). Now I see that what I thought was rock bottom was probably more of a middle period. I can’t seem to stop it, but in being unable to stop it I have to hurt my parents. They push food on me so often and I just want to say no. I’m scared though that they’ll never forgive me. I don’t blame my dad for his alcoholic outbursts or when he throws things when he’s mad, but while my parents can accept alcoholism or the illegal activities of my sibling (which he got in trouble for with the police already, so I don’t mean anything against them) my eating disorder would be the ultimate disappointment (I’m the one who they rely on, the one who never disobeys, the one who is still there loving them after they take their anger out on me, etc., and something as simple as saying no to food would earn me their hatred).

I just wish I could know that one day it would all be worth it and that maybe one day they’d understand and realize that it’s not an attack upon them and that I turned to my eating disorder because at first it helped me to keep on showing them how happy I was when they couldn’t help me when I asked them just once to do so.

Do you think some parents just can’t understand? Sometimes I read these articles or see eating disorder movies and ultimately the parents just want their child back, but that’s probably because parents who don’t understand don’t make for a story of love and support (I adore my parents, I just mean that they don’t udnerstand eating disorders- my mom would applaud me if she knew how long I can go without food and my dad would take it as a personal offense against the recipes he himself likes).

Thank you.

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Hamster

This is a story about my hamster when I was a kid and how having it saved my sister’s life. I wasn’t aloud to get any pets when I was younger because my mom thinks animals are dirty and she is scared of them and my teenage sister was on her side because she hated animals too, I loved animals and I kept on begging my mom to get a dog or cat and the solution was to get an animal inside a cage, and I was satisfied with a hamster because it almost looked like a small kitten, my mom was very hesitant on buying it for me since her and my sister hate animals but after crying for a few times and promising her to take care of it she did buy the hamster.

When I got the hamster home for the first few days my mom and sister kept on telling me how they hated this hamster and how it smelled bad and that they wanted to get rid of it and for me to keep it I had to put it in the never used basement. But later on after about a week everything changed, my sister was addicted to cocaine she used to wakeup every morning before sun rise when everyone was sleeping go down to the basement sniff cocaine, but apparently before sniffing she fed the hamster one treat by the other. I didn’t know about this until one day my sister was staying over a friends house I woke up early to clean my rollerblades to take them to school around the same time my sister goes down to smoke I went in without a sound and I saw the hamster at the front side of the cage jumping up and down doing what it does when there is any food in my hand it was strange because at this time no one would be awake at my house to feed the hamster and it was weird for me how the hamster was waiting for me to come.

The second day my sister came back from her friend’s house. And I was still curious and amused by how the hamster was awake and jumping up and down waiting for food I figured I wouldn’t know if it was a coincidence last time unless I checked on my hamster at the same time the second day. I did wakeup and go down slowly with no sound to check on the hamster I did hear some sounds but I thought it was the hamsters wheel I went in slowly and then I screamed I didn’t expect my sister or anyone to be down at this time and it was even scarier when I saw her sniffing something of a paper. My parents ran straight away down to the basement and they too were terrified by my sister. My mom and sister broke down and my dad fainted.I had to call 911 forgetting that my sister can be legally charged. They arrived and went straight down to the basement where my dad fainted they did help my dad but one of the helpers saw cocaine and evidence of drug usage, without us noticing he called the police the police arrived and arrested my sister.

She was put into rehab but she didn’t not go to prison because she was still young. If it wasn’t for this hamster classical conditioning we would have never found out about my sisters addiction.

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When I was 15 I had this friend, she was my best friend. We we’re so close, we told each other everything. We literally fell in love with each other, or that’s what we thought it was. At the time I had been molested by her grandfather and when I told her she stood by me. She listened to me, cried with me, and protected me. She helped me tell my parents, when I started cutting myself and ran away she found me and sat with me; she walked with me in the rain. She gave me everything.

When I turned 16 she had to go to rehab, for drug addiction. I started becoming numb and then I joined in with the popular girls, I became a robot. When she returned I didn’t want to give up my position as popular girl b/c it was something I always dreamt of being. I cut off all contact with her; many of the girls in my group teased her, so did I. I teased her about all the things she told me all her inner secrets. Then near my 17th birthday she just left one day, she ran away. Inside it hurt me, but outside I felt like I finally belonged somewhere.

It’s been ten years since we where best friends, I think about her all the time still. I wrote a book about my life and what I went through with the molestation. However b/c she is mentioned in the book I need her to sign a sheet. I saw her the other day; she looks so different but so much the same. She’s become so skinny and she looks ragged. I want to approach her and thank her for all she’s done for me, but I am so scared. She’s the reason I am happy today not the other girls and I want to tell her that and re-establish contact, but I don’t know if she wants to see me again. What do I do?

Only mature answers please…

Woody I do feel that I owe her my hapiness, my life, but I just feel like she must hate me.

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It’s too stupid to be said,
too horrendous to be read!

It’s an ache in my heart,
a burning in my soul.

It’s a new dawn breaking even before the night’s over.

A hunger for the lies,
A craving for the deceit.

Is this truly what I need?

It’s an angel sent to hell,
a broken-winged arrow,
a hollow man who mourns.

Was this what God had truly meant?

It’s an addiction to cocaine,
a secret thirst for blood,
a longing for someone who’ll take it all away.

Isn’t this where it’s all supposed to end?

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Okay, they say admitting it is the first step so here I go. I have a water problem. Its been going on a few months now, it started as an innocent little thing but now Im drinking probably up to what? 8-9 large glasses of water a day.

If I even go 1 day without water I can’t think staright, all I can think is ‘water water water need water’

Once I start I can’t stop. Even after having one glass, later on in the day I’ll think ‘just one more glass of water won’t do any harm’ next thing I know Ive had around 8 glasses.

I am thinking about getting myself to rehab. The problem needs to be sorted, I want a life without water and Im willing to change. Im also going to look into going to one of those self help group things for addicts, where you meet up and talk about others who have the same drink problem.

The worst thing is I havn’t told my family about my drink problem yet. They have SEEN me drink water before and it didn’t seem to bother them. But they don’t know that Im drinking it every single day. They don’t know Im a waterholic.

Please help, how do I tell my family? I don’t know how they’ll react and Im a bit nervous.

Its would be good if anyone else who has had a water problem in their life could answer this, but anyone who can help just answer.

Thanks.

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What would you do to change the US prison systems. So many people talk down about places like Abu Ghraib, but many do not realize some of our prisons are about the same. Hives of gang activity, disease spreading, violence, murder, rape, and more. Best of all, the prison staff usually ignores what goes onm, because after all those criminals aren’t human, are they? Dehumanizing people because of one or two misdeeds is downright cruel.

Over 3% of the adult population is in prison, and the percent is rising. Over half of the released criminals are repeat offenders. Other than some social changes we need in society, how do you think we can stop this?

Here are some of my suggestions.

1. Stop punishing victimless crime. Don’t punish the alcoholic, punish the drunk who goes driving.
2. Allow criminals to return to society without a social stigma. They paid their debt.
3. Offer rehab programs instead of incarceration. Do you want to watch people sit in time out and fraternize with other criminals, or redeem them?
4. Stop with the death penalty. Either exile the worst offenders, or build a place where they can be housed for life outside of our society.
5. Give government jobs to criminals that caused damage so they can pay back the victims plus interest. They do no good to anyone rotting in a cell.
6. Do something about the current law system so justice isn’t always based on who has the best lawyer. Otherwise big businesses, politicians, and rich people will usually be above the law, and poorly represented people will always suffer the full slap of the long arm of the law.

*sigh* I only hope that one day the US Government will do something about this. I only wish I knew how to help…
Clar92 – Hmm, I was going to disagree, but then I checked my list here:

1. Roof over your head. Check.
2. Someone else paying for you. Check.
3. Place to sleep. Check.
4. Anal rape. Check.
5. New criminal skills. Check.
6. 3 square meals. Check.
7. Spit in your orange juice. Check.
8. Social stigma for life. Check.
9. Workout room. Check.
10. Fear of constant violence. Check.
11. Separated from friends and family. Check.
Suspendy A – Being a fan of MMA and combat sports, your gladiator comment caught my attention. However, it would have to be consensual. Since I don’t believe in the death penalty, I can’t support forced matches. However it would probably sell tons of tickets.

I reread your question and wonder, are you referring to the criminals in the government that force you to pay for felons because they can’t come up with a decent system, or the actual people in the jail?
Rachel – Good idea, unfortunately I think the criminals would set up camp over there, make some friends, exchange criminal secrets, and it would come back to haunt us.
sebacklash – I can see where you are coming from, but don’t you think it would be better to exile them than kill them. Sure dead people rarely commit crimes, but there is no redemption in killing, only possibly deterrence to other criminals.

So I think there should be a place where they are exiled to and can never escape, like an island in the pacific with no trees that an be used to build rafts. Or, if there is another country that will take our criminal, then they may have them. I just think that the biggest punishment should be kicking someone out of a society for breaking the ultimate rules.
Czar Walters, Child Saver! – Good call. Those people would have to worry about losing their job. I think the people in charge may conspire to keep the jails full to look tough on crime (too tough is more like it), and also to punish people that don’t conform.

I do understand that people’s jobs may be based on there being criminals, just as the military only has a purpose if there is a perceived threat. *cough* WMD *cough* Ok, we’ll raise your budget.

Who knows, maybe all of this chaos, dishonesty, and political fog is needed to keep things running smoothly. But I don’t buy it. I think it is being done for selfish reasons, and I don’t think we need to have 3% or more of adults behind bars for “social dissidence.”
whatshisname – Amen. I’m glad you haven’t let the system defeat you.
kgsgolf – Thanks for the response. Your ideas definitely make me think.

Unfortunately, in answer to your number 1, some people are jailed for drinking. Ridiculous I know. Here is a link:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Public_intoxication

If they are being “disorderly” I can see action being taken, but for merely being drunk?

With number 2, society does indeed help with the stigma, but many jobs won’t hire felons, people are required to be listed as a sex offender, etc. Society could choose to ignore these things, but still, the label sticks.

For #4, I meant the person can willingly go to another country if the country allows them. Otherwise, there would be a place like Australia once was, for lifelong exile. I wanted a place they can be away from our society, yet live how they want. Don’t want to live by our rules? Fine, they can live elsewhere.

By #5 I meant to say make them do dirty jobs that may normally not be done, like clean public areas more often, etc.
Archery Nut – As an officer, I’m sure you have a high regard for justice. You wouldn’t be good at your job if you didn’t. And also, your employment is based on the fact that there are criminals locked up, so I can understand your passion for keeping criminals from harming society, and making sure they pay for their crimes.

But what is wrong with giving them programs for addiction? Maybe if they got clean, they would contribute to society, instead of siphoning funding from their cell.

Since the government is incarcerating them, they are responsible for feeding them. I don’t think they need filet mingon, but we shouldn’t starve em.

I get what you’re saying about the prisoners. You can lead a horse to water… We can’t force people to rehabilitate. But at the same time, you talk about them wasting taxpayers money. Well they already ARE wasting money. That’s one of my main complaints. The current way isn’t working, evident with the swelling of jail populations, so we need a Plan B.

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