I did not post the details of my situation when I initially asked if I could give my baby up for adoption because I knew the hate that was likely to come in my direction.
However, since I have asked additionally, for clarification on why so many in this section seem to be anti adoption & many of you read my first question… you are assuming the reason I want to give my child up is financial, or lack of support, or even young age, unmarried…These are the most common reasons, but they are not my reasons. Let me tell you what happened briefly (as is possible) & please then only answer if you have something worthwhile to contribute that is not hateful & judgemental. I am already HUGELY aware that what has occured is “wrong” in the eyes of many. I am trying to find the most responsible solution.
I am married. I have 4 children (all with the same father, my husband). They range in age from 13 to 4. I have a great job. Lots of money. But I am gone A LOT. My husband stays home with our kids & helps @ lunch @ the kids’ Montessori. He is a good man. He puts up with a lot.
A while back I was introduced to a man I wil call John at a party. We had a brief relationship & I got pregnant sleeping with him once…yes, yes, poor judgement, lack of self control, sin, irresponsible toward my family…I agree. But none of that changes the current situation. I could not bring myself to have an abortion because I know & love the 4 children I have & I had a period of time after I found out I was pregnant with my 4th child (&my son was only 8 months old & I was entering a very intense portion of my training) that I considered terminating my pregnancy. But every time I look at her I think how much poorer I would be if I didn’t have her. So I chose not to terminate this pregnancy either.
John is struggling in life. He is 38 & has an 18 year old daughter who lives w her mother in a dif state. He missed out on most of her life because he was busy using. After spending some time in prison & successfully completing a lengthy drug treatment & rehab program he has done a lot to turn his life around. But his prospects are limited due to his criminal record. He is excited about this baby.
But there is the obvious dillemma…this is not my husband’s baby. He at first was VERY angry with me which is understandable. He is now less angry & we are getting along well, but he doesn’t want to tell anyone about this pregnancy or have to explain anything. He has said that if I want to keep this baby I need to move out. If I move out, I will see my 4 kiddos even less than I do now.
I ask about giving the child up without John’s permission because I know that he would take the child. & I don’t think he would be a poor father, but I REALLY struggle with the effects on this baby…knowing that it has 4 siblings & a mother that live across town but living eternity wondering why I kept them & not it. I know that the child would still be involved in my life in some way, shape, or form even if he took custody….& that would be even harder on the child. To have some marginally/ minimally involved mother & being raised without its 4 siblings. So the thought was that the child would be better off with an adoptive family that was whole.
Ideally, I would like to keep this baby & raise it with my other 4 children. But I don’t know that my husband can come to a place where he could accept this. Especially since John will obviously be involved & would need to come to the house to pick the child up etc.
So tell me in this context what would be best? Please spare me the hate & the religious lectures. I am my own worst enemy. But I WOULD appreciate any sincere thoughts / perspectives.
Sorry. This is a book.
No Phil, I appreciated your answer. I just had some incorrect assumptions made about my situation & reasoning for thinking of adoption. I do thank you for your reply.
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