Im a 15 year old girl.
Okay so im having trouble at home with my parents. About years back i started noticing that they were fighting a lot. More than the normal parents would. I would see my dad hit my mom, not too hard, but it still scared me. One time i finally got in his face about it, starting yelling at him, and he hit me. Ever since then they have been more secretive about the fighting. My dad tells me things like “your a fu**ing mess ” and “what the hell are you doing here ” when im just around home. My mom had tried to talk to him but he doesn’t stop. She feels really bad for me, and i don’t like to see her hurting. She tries talking to me but i don’t really like talking to her. I do the average teen screw ups..ive smoked weed once last summer, never since, nor will i. I drink occasionally, but i never get hammered drunk, and i do it in the right places. Eventually i started cutting myself, and after that i started becoming what i guess you could call “emo”. I wear a lot more eyeliner, dyed my hair black, started dressing that way, and started hanging out with the same kind of people…I started not caring when people call me a cunt or a bitch or a slut (which im not, i just have enemies like everyone else) I started getting a lot more secretive. I didn’t gossip much, i don’t talk to my parents; when they hug me i just stand there, and when they say i love you, i never say it back. I tried killing myself once, i wont give details, but someone saved me. I felt so selfish and guilty. My parents don’t know about that. Nor will they ever. I haven’t had any thought about doing it again, and that over a year ago that happend. I only have ever had three people who knew about the cutting. They were the best secret keepers i knew, and have kept all my secrets. My mom started thinking i was depressed, and signed me up with some counselling, which didnt go well. I walked out after 20 mins, and ran away for the day. I run away occasionaly, but only for the day now. Most ever is three days.
One day my mom walked into my room while i was changing and saw some of the cuts. She called a help center, they checked me into children’s hospital in some rehab program. All i got was my guitar and a lap top. No pens, pencils, forks, not even plastic knifes were allowed in the room i was in. I had to go to counselling while i was there, but i didnt talk much. I walked out on the first two. I just sat there and looked at the ceiling while they poked and proded, trying to get me to talk. I hated it so much there i could have hanged myself with my guitar strap (not really, i just hated it a lot). i got out and my parents were nice for all of three days. I stopped cutting for about 5 days, then i started again. Because then I controlled who hurt me. I cut less often though. I haven’t for about 5 weeks now. I’ve stopped. Im not depressed or anything, im actually really happy. Just not around my parents. But about 3 days ago, i was cutting an apple. My mom was sitting at the island reading, kinda watching me with the knife though, as always. I just started looking at the knife, thinking about cutting. But i knew better and dropped the knife, which accidentally landed on my foot and i got two stitches…accident, I swear. But my mom didnt let me go to school the next day, i had to go see my doctor who gave me sleep medicine cause im not sleeping, or apparently i say stuff, and am restless in my sleep. I dont take them, i just hold them under my tongue untill my mom leaves, then spit the pill out. I sleep fine, and im not depressed. im not in denial either !! Now i have to go see a psychaiatrist, an teen metalist, and more counsellors, which won’t go over well. I don’t talk to people, i have two great friend i talk to, no adults. There’s about 4 adults that i can stand, parents aren’t any of them. Im not depressed though, i just hate my home life. I wish my parents would just ignore me. It doesn’t help to talk. I tried talking to my mom once, and she tried fixing everything. I told her not to and she got all paranoid about my life, and started questioning my life, asking about my friends and about my school life. home and school are two seperates, never to mix. Im leaving after graduation. I just can’t stand it. I want to leave. I want to get away. I need to, or im going to crack.
And im not cutting for attention. I know it’s a problem, and ive stopped.
Im sorry it’s so long.
I survived on the money i have,
My parents havent divorced, they were going to, and i just wish they would. It’d be easier.
No brothers or sisters, just me.
Thanks for the help; ive read the bible, doesn’t really help me that much.
I feel like such a screw up :(
I have no family near by either, just my boyfriend, hes the only one i feel safe with.
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