My biological father is an alcoholic way back before i was born. My mom couldn’t handle his abusive behavior that she left us when i was 6 & went to another country.My grandma took care of me while my grandfather supported us financially. My dad didn’t finish high school & was more interested in hanging out with his alcoholic friends.He has been jobless ever since & doesn’t care about working to earn a living since he was dependent on my grandfather. Since i was a child, i live in guilt, shame, anger & fear bec. everytime he comes home drunk, he is a loudmouth, angry & wouldn’t care less if the stereo’s speakers was blasting so loud late at night in our apartment that neighbors complain about how nuisance we are.I feel so much shame as i hid in my room crying with much hurt & pain waiting for the nightmare to end. I had low self-esteem.I get so angry at him that in my mind i wanted him to die or I would think of killing myselfThings became more difficult for me when my grandmother had a stroke & Alzheimer’s that I could no longer lean on her anymore for comfort.For years, the nightmare brought by my father continued & so is my darkest moments of despair as I try to focus on my studies while hiding in my room bearing the hurt & shame.Yes there are normal days when he is sober but when he is drunk & rowdy again, it seems that the bright & sunny world I once knew suddenly turn stormy as hell for me.I feel I wanna run away, scream, cry & shout but nobody listens & understands. By God’s grace I was able to finish Business Administration in College.I am 21 now but my dad still has his habit. He tends to quit for a few days or weeks but then he goes back to drinking again esp. when he gets to save money that my well-off aunt gives him allowance daily out of sympathy.My aunt takes care of the utilities since my grandmother, their mother, lives together with us in the apartment. I took the graveyard shift cashier job in an Internet café that my aunt owns as a way of escape & avoid experiencing the trauma to avoid my father’s drunkenness as much as possible. But fate seems to be playing at me bec. my dad sometimes is drunk early in the morning or in the afternoon & it leaves me so bitter & angry again towards him, others around me & myself. I get so angry again that I swear & cursed my own father. As a Christian, this really saddens me & is so hard for me to try to live a life without anger & hate when life itself forces me to do so. I feel so alone & dejected. I never have a boyfriend maybe bec. I don’t seem to trust men or have not found yet found someone who would be serious & accept my family’s situation. I still pray that one day my dad would finally finally quit drinking & be a real father to me. In our Asian country, I don’t know yet if we have support groups like Al-Anon. Right now, I am dying to settle a normal life for awhile but I am still anxious at the moment bec. I still can’t find a decent job once I quit the cashier job. And if I get a new daytime job, I dreaded the thought if I have to live again the nightmare when my dad gets hooked to drinking again in the evenings. I am so sick & tired of living this way.In our culture is really different bec. children are still responsible for their parents even when they are beyond 18 years of age. But now I plan to rent a place of my own so I could have a peaceful place to run to when I come home and find him drunk again. I think I couldn’t bear any longer like before. I had enough of the trauma since I was a kid. Am I being selfish if I will start to live on my own and try hard to escape from home when he gets drunk? But my grandmother is still living in our apartment and I don’t want to leave her when I know she has short time left with us. But I am really affected by my dad’s alcoholism. I tried to advise him but the advise just feel on deaf ears. I must admit we don’t talk so much at all and I am not open to him bec. it’s hard to establish a close relationship with him bec. he tends to easily misinterpret and get angry at things bec. a dominant person he is. I am anxious also since I will be the one to take care of my father’s allowance bec. my aunt made a deal that she will quit giving help to my dad if I quit working at the café.That would mean it will be hard to save or there won’t enough left for me to save and being financially stable on my own feels completely out of reach for me. Please I need some advise ,I am really confuse.
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