My father and alcohol abuse. What “can” I do?

March 15, 2010 admin 6 comments

My dad has an alcohol problem and it’s beginning to affect me. I’m currently in my final year at law school and decided to stay at home to help my mother. My dad, who has been battling depression and alcoholism for a long time, has started to relapse into the habit.
Before I use to know how to deal with it, go out with friends, play sport, study or play music in my room with the doors shut. Now, as an adult (26), I just don’t know what to do or say to my mother to comfort her.
Nearly everyday, he drinks in secret, even though we’ve repeatedly told him, that he shouldn’t have anything to hide, if he wants to have a drink just say so, make US AWARE of it. But everyday, he walks into the house smelling of alcohol and talking BS on the dinner table in front of guests.

It’s a huge embarrassment to me and I try my best to protect him in front of people. Sometimes, I go on a big defensive, which ends up making me look bad in front of others. Some may know he has a problem, and I know they talk behind his back.

I feel isolated every time I walk to the shops to buy things as I feel that people are beginning to associate me with him. But I don’t drink, I go to a first tier university and I study hard for my grades.

Every time he does this, I feel like I take a step back from him. Like I don’t really know him, I feel pity for him, saddened and sometimes (dare I say) hatred for what he puts my mum through.

What can I do?
Any advice will help.

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Comments

Written by Dangyo about 2 years ago.

Well first off you shouldn’t be telling him that he can drink if you guys are aware of it. Just gives him more reason to drink! But I honestly don’t know what I would do. I guess it would be up to your mom on how hard she wants to try.
Written by azwiggy about 2 years ago.

You need to get him into AA and help him.
Written by Nathan about 2 years ago.

Finish school first, if you depend on him any way you are not in a position to try any tough love. The fact of the mater is this kind of thing sounds like an intervention may be necessary, and you want to make sure you are independent before you try it.
Written by Amanda H about 2 years ago.

Have an intervention. If he’s been doing this for years, the problem must be severe. My mother was an alcoholic too and dealing with her was like pulling teeth. He probably doesn’t even realize how much he is hurting his family, because he’s always drunk. When he does sober up and realize that the people he loves are disappointed in him, it further deepens his depression and he self medicates his pain with the alcohol. It’s a vicious cycle. He’s probably hiding his dependency because even though his family tells him he can have a drink, he probably knows that it shames you and you mother and doesn’t want to do it in front of you. Perhaps you and your mother can hold an intervention and convince him to go seek treatment to perhaps beat the self destructive cycle he is in. If he loves you (and I’m sure he does) and you really try, he will hear you. Every addict is resistant to an intervention at first, but if it works, you may get your dad back.
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Written by cracked about 2 years ago.

best for you and your mother to tell him how his drinking affects you both, also the consequences of drinking,try getting him to aa.I sobered up only after hitting rock bottom, a person needs to hit there bottom , or somthing bad happens to stop drinking,never give up hope, you could try a intervention, force him into treatment. hope this helped.a person has to want it more than anything
Written by Katydid about 2 years ago.

Your answer for you personally is to put all the blame on him where it belongs and stop trying to protect him from himself.
He needs the help that AA can give him but won’t get it unless he reaches bottom.
You and your mom will have to stop covering for him. It takes guts to do that but that’s what they teach at Alanon and Alateen.
It’s tough love.
And try to stop worrying about what others will think of you or our family. You have to learn to accept it and be the person you are and accept these circumstances. That’s the only way to make it better.
You won’t like it, but you won’t always feel like you are struggling.
My brother drank and nearly drove us all crazy until we finally all got together and told him that we loved him and that he was welcome in our homes, but not when he was drinking because he always got so
combative he ruined all visits.
He finally had a wreak and hurt someone so the police were looking for him. He hid out at my brothers house. But that brother and another brother got together and decided to turn him in.
He hated them for it of course because he spent 2 years in prison (one of the rehab type).
But he has been alcohol free for about 20 years and tells me that he is now grateful for them and he loves them all dearly.
We all felt that his drinking stemmed from when he was 13 years old and accidently shot his friend in the leg with a shotgun.
But many times, there is no trauma. They just drink everyday and it becomes a habit.
And most, I even want to say all of them will not stop until they have lost everything and the respect of everyone. So the best you can do is try to let him know you love him, but just stay out of the way until he is at the bottom of that pit
I dare say though that unless your mom goes to Alanon and finds this out he may never quit.
Lots of Love and best wishes for you and your family.

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My father and alcohol abuse. What “can” I do?

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