I’m not going to brag about it, and i’m not going to milk it for all I think it’s worth, but my life has never been simple and it’s never been easy. My Dad is an alcoholic ex professional cyclist. He cheated on my Mum more times then I can remember but I do know that one time he made me meet one of these women and keep it a secret from Mum. When Mum found out I caught him trying to drink some oil and all I can remember from then on is me screaming and running down the stairs like a mad child.
Last year Mum and Dad finally split up, however Dad tried to kill himself and then I came home from school one day and found a suicide letter from Mum. The police found her before she could do anything and she swore to me that she hadn’t planned to try anything but later on that day in Dads car he put a voicemail from her on the bluetooth and it was her saying goodbye to him.
I’ve never told Mum I heard that voicemail and i’ve never thought about it enough to understand how I feel about the whole thing.

One year on and my Grandad’s died of cancer, my Dad has found a new woman at his local AA and did a runner out of rehab because he couldn’t hack it.

Now i’m following in his footsteps and have taken up cycling, its a great way to get out my anger and I love reading Dads old training diaries and looking at newsclippings of him. I was involved in a hit and run earlier this winter and hit my head pretty rough.

But I don’t know how i’m feeling, I like to be alone alot and my obsession over my eating is unbelievably powerful right now.
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to get knocked off and die, I wonder who would turn up at my funeral and I wonder what people would say.
I bargin with god and tell him to give me cancer and spare my Mother and everyone else I know.
I tell myself I can ride however the hell I like because it’s not like I’ve got anything to live for.
I turn my friends down because I like to be on my own.

WHAT IS WRONG.

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