I am so sad over losing my relationship with my husband over his porn addiction !?

March 21, 2010 admin 20 comments

Since me and my husband have been married (2yrs ago) I always complained about our sex life. I found out when I was pregnant that he had a secret porn addiction and masturbated daily behind my back whilst indulging in free online porn videos. He rejects my attempts, I cant touch him at night. When I have an urge I suck it up and get frustrated. I go for months without being satisfied. Yesterday after a dramatic scene, he confessed to me that he always has been a porn addict and that he sincerely seeks help to recover. He claims he does not want to be that way and that he can’t stop without professional help. Today after long research and phone conversations with therapists I came to realize what I feared for a long time. Once an addict always an addict. And he may always relapse to porn. He completely has cut me off his sex life. But the damage is even bigger than just that. I don’t want to have sex with him anymore either because I know that he is damaged. I know the sex we will possibly have will not mean what it should mean that he will always think of porn at the back of his mind. I do love him but I can’t get myself to want him sexually anymore. And my husband is my knight shining armor and I am afraid this means the end for us. It’s like someone who spit in your food. I just can’t have it anymore….My question is do you believe he can fully recover and enjoy a normal healthy sex life with me? And will I be able to doubt and second thought him the whole time???

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CONFIDENTIAL DRUG REHABILITATION addiction, Husband, losing, over, porn, relationship

Comments

Written by Latin G about 2 years ago.

wow, you’re taking this wayyy too seriously… I konw.. maybe it’s your religous upbringing… but sheesh.. all guys wack off to pron.. i’ve been doing it since I was 13… Tell him it’s ok, but tell hiim he still has to bang you… or you will findsomeone else who will.. that should get him going…
Written by dukemack about 2 years ago.

Perhaps you will be lucky enough to find a male that doesnt look at porn. I believe there are three of them on the planet.
Written by me about 2 years ago.

Yes! But it will take time and patience and forgiveness and prayer
Written by glownatural about 2 years ago.

This is really hard to hear. I think you really love him, but you’re at rock bottom and see a long road to recovery. So far you’ve been handling it on your own, but now you can let the professionals help him. You said he’s your knight in shining armor, so isn’t it worth a try to stay by his side and see if he can overcome this? I don’t know what to say, but if you can’t handle it, I would understand.
Written by Mandy about 2 years ago.

I think you may be focusing on the wrong thing here. Sure he likes porn and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. You need to focus on that you two lack a sex life. No sex, no marriage, I’m sorry that’s how it works. Sex is very important in a healthy relationship and not just sex with yourself. He is in the wrong for denying you but that is his problem. If he’s denying you because he only wants to satisfy himself then he’s selfish and you do not need to be with him.
Written by guardrailjim about 2 years ago.

Counseling on his part may break him of his addiction.
He will have to want to change, or there’s no hope for your sex life to ever improve.
Either stay in a loveless marriage, or leave him.
Try a trial separation – he might see the error of his addiction and seek help.
If he won’t seek help, the situation is hopeless – game over.
Written by Bitter B about 2 years ago.

All men and a lot of women watch porn. Most men try to hide it from their partners because most men are made to feel inferior because they enjoy porn.

It sounds like you need couples therapy, not just your husband. You need to find balance in your relationship. Try watching porn with him. Try getting him off while he watches porn. Your husband is normal, all guys watch porn. Stop judging him. Your sex life is suffering because you are probably very ‘vanilla’ in bed.

Once and addict, always and addict? All men watch porn! All men are (as you would call them) addicts! Get off of your high horse and grow up.
Written by KeepOnLoving about 2 years ago.

WoW, good analogy – someone spit in your food! I totally agree with feeling that way. Yea, that’s messed up & for some guys that may just be a cover up & the tip of the ice berg…
Do you have kids? I do not believe in the devils’ advocates way of thinking when they say it’s not okay to be selfless & stay in a marriage for kids. I guess it all depends on what one can take cuz adultery is grounds for leaving? That is adultery… he is not faithful in his thoughts to you… sometimes that also equates their actions with others given the opportunity…

Added again: Ponder this… if she now has lost her drive for that (which he obviously doesn’t care about right now cuz he’s being satisfied with what he’s doing) but there comes a day when he no longer can be satisfied by outside means (no more access to whatever or whatever for whatever reasons) & now wants to be with her… is it right that he shouldn’t suck it up the way he’s making/or made her suck it up cuz now she has the hang up & doesn’t want to be with him?

Added after thumb up: I also do not agree that every guy watches that… there are Christian guys that don’t & there are other guys that don’t becuz they may think that’s dirty & are not turned on by women acting like blanks… at least they may have the mental thing that it is dirty & shameful; therefore, they don’t watch it. They also live in reality & with a sense of right & wrong & morals…
added after two thumbs up: is it Christianly to be a whore-monger? (Having the desires for a whore ~someone openly being indiscreet, loose morals & thinking that’s a way to make money to boot ~ is not being upright in your heart & mind…) Even by society’s standards, soliciting the services of prostitutes is illegal. I wish society would completely help those men with these temptations by making porn in magazines, movies, & internet illegal & unobtainable…
Written by Brittany about 2 years ago.

Guys think about sex all day. It’s normal. Guys watch porn, that’s normal. It doesn’t mean they don’t love their sig other. I watch red tube and my bf does too. Sometimes we do together and sometimes were busy and we watch it apart. It doesn’t bother me when he watches porn because I know I’m the only one satisfying him. We have a great sex life. Now we both work full time, so we may not watch this stuff everyday or anything like that.

When I was younger I did feel a little jealous about him watching certain things so I can relate to your feelings. As far as your husband rejecting you or turning you down for sex, that would straight piss me off, if it was due to his constant wacking off. If he is really that bad, you will defy loose your sexual attraction to him, and I’m not sure what his deal is.

I can’t see that a person needs therapy for this, does he have a life outside of porn? My god, maybe you should watch it and ignore him and turn him down, so he can see how it feels. Even if it’s not ur cup of tea, I’d do it just to piss the douche off.
Written by Fergy about 2 years ago.

I’ve never been into porn, but I do believe that you guys can have a normal and healthy sexual relationship, and that he can give up his porn. I really do believe this. ” I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me ” . This is a true Bible verse and I have applied it to my life in different situations and if you believe, it does work. I’m not Bible thumping you, just wanting to help you guys.
Nothing comes easy. You both have to work on this. Good Luck and may God bless both of you. (smile)
Written by kiaSis3lovestodd about 2 years ago.

I was married to a man with a sexual addiction. It truly changes the fabric of who you are as a woman.

It is so important for you to understand who you are, and how this is not your fault.

A porn addiction is a reflection of something deeper. Yes, he can recover…if he wants to.

Don’t put so much energy into trying to understand something that he doesn’t want to change. Put all your energy into keeping your child safe from this dangerous behavior.

I am not saying that your husband is dangerous, but the fact that he is rejecting his wife for porn is a huge red flag. Did you know that the serial killer Ted Bundy started out looking at porn?

If I were you I would take the kids and move to your moms. I would make him earn back the right to live with his family. Make him prove to you that he is worthy of your love. He needs to enter a specific program designed for sexual addicts. He needs to be there for a minimum of 6 months, and after that time, enter couples counseling. DO NOT have sex with him during this time.

Make him earn that privilege by working hard and making the changes he needs to before you let him back into the marriage bed.

Find a good counselor for yourself and work on getting strong. If he refuses to do whatever it takes, there is your answer.

My husband let a wife and 3 kids go rather than fight. He would rather have his addiction than his family. It is his choice, but he has to live with his choice now. After being divorced for 4 years, I have an amazing boyfriend who has a stellar character and treats me with the love and respect I deserve as a woman. He cares about someone besides himself and his urges are under control.

Be strong, and do the right thing for your child. He/she deserves to have character and integrity on his/her side. Are you that person?

Good luck :)

BTW, I know how much it hurts.
Written by Remy about 2 years ago.

Of course guys arent going to see this as a problem… My fiancee and I had a problem with this a little while back.. I confronted him about it I wasn’t going to have him doing this with a bunch of nasty girls on the comp/tv screen how would he feel if another guy (or hundreds) were getting me off everyday while he was working.. I honestly thought he was addicted too but it never affected our sex life so he wasn’t addicted to porn just sex but he completely kicked it or at least from what i know i haven’t found anything around the house to suggest otherwise if he really loves you and wants to change he will.. show him sex is a lot better than looking at some big breasted women on tv but my biggest advise spice it up if he doesn’t want sex make him want it walk around in nothing on but one of his shirts do whatever to make him happy remind him what he’s missing it worked for me so be spontaneous whenever you can.. men are easy.. keep them happy in bed and they are happy period (usually).
Written by Prego with #2 - Due 2/1/10! about 2 years ago.

Have you thought about watching porn with him? Making it something you do together.
Written by kiwi about 2 years ago.

His recovery will take endless hours and time and energy from you . He will most likely relapse over and over again. I firmly believe that this is your time to move on. You know the slogan once an addict always an addict it is a fact there is no way around that. I know how you feel I was with man exactly like this for 5 long years. It got to the point where I would never want to be sexual with him cause i knew that he would be thinking about those porn stars and not me. There was a few times when he would blurt out someone Else’s name while in bed with me! Good God it was a nightmare. He would sneak around at night and watch porn he became a completely different person. Long story short, I finally got the courage after several attempts to leave him. I just couldn’t do this anymore. It was driving me nuts!
You need to do the same, He needs professional help, heck he may even have to go inpatient. Then have some aftercare, he sounds really bad and it will only get worse before it may get better. I would leave him, if it was meant tom be after he has had 5 years sobriety, then I may consider meeting up with him again but until then I would just walk away. Only he can help himself and honestly he may not want to.
Written by Shαnnδn about 2 years ago.

He was cast that way.
It’s just a question of what things (plural) he is addicted to.
Don’t you watch House?

He absolutely will not always be addicted to porn.
He will not always think about porn.
He will always be an addict.
He might be a sex-addict and just using porn at satiate that addiction.
None of this means he is incapable of love.

False-starts and relapses happen; you both have to keep at it if you want it to work.

Addiction becomes a problem once you ‘loose control’.
Frequency and topic are not relevant.

It is abusive to sexually control him; e.g. sex is on ‘your terms only’ and you expect him never to masturbate.

From what you have written it just is not clear if he’s a normal guy that had a porn habit, comparable to smoking, that he wants to kick or if he’s truly an addict.
Does he watch it work?

Therapist cannot really be trusted – they make money based on how many clients they have. Of course they want you both to believe he has a “horrible problem” that “needs to be fixed” and zomg it is going to be /sooo hard/ that you need professional help!!!
They might also come for a irrational religious position that all such things are amoral and must be rooted out. That’s fine if they want to believe that for themselves, but not if and when they try to make other people live ‘their way’.

You need to be realistic and let go of your ideal husband-fantasy.

You need understand and separate normal male sex-drive from sexual-addiction and porn-addiction.
Frankly, I think 95% of the time this is not ‘his problem’ but a martial one which is what I think in this case.
He wants to stop but is lost trying to figure out how much control over his sex drive he actually has and ought to have.
If you two don’t have a satisfying sex-life then he is going to masturbate.
It is a both an emotional and physiological drive in men and satiating it is addicting – not unlike hunger.

If you are over-weight you have a food addiction so let’s have a hard look in the mirror before you denigrate your husband’s sex addiction.
Written by bearbeast about 2 years ago.

I think most of you that answered didn’t pay attention.She says her husband would rather whack off to porn than to have sex with her,so he does have a problem.
Written by cashkill about 2 years ago.

this is happening because you do not have God in your life, same as a lot of married couples. They go though adultery,masturbation,abuse,hatred, rage, anger issues,divorce, financial problems, gambling, drinking, drug abuse….on and on.
But if they only said this simple prayer, and follow His rules, stop sinning,worship Him and Him alone(Father/ Jesus/Holy Spirit). only.
all other prayers are sins called idolatry(prayers to Mary/Saints or any statue of any kind).
Then He will make your life and families life Heaven on Earth, He worries about all, He helps with all, He loves us so much it grieves me so much that people go to their graves without knowing His UNFAILING LOVE! GOD IS THE MOST AWESOME THING ANY HUMAN COULD EVER EVEN HOPE TO EXPERIENCE EVER!
I urge all families to all hold hands and ask together. : say this prayer
you will never regret it.
Put aside your unbelief and Say this prayer so God can come into your life, He is right there waiting, hoping You will make this choice & say it.
He has a plan for your life He can and will help you with everything. He wants you to be the best you can be. He loves you and gave You free will to choose having His unfailing love in your life or not He loved you first and left the door open for you. Its up to you to walk through into His loving arms.
God can help you, If only you ask Him.
If you want to accept Christ as Savior and turn from your sins, you can ask Him to be your Savior and Lord by praying a prayer like this:
“Lord Jesus, I believe You are the Son of God. Thank You for dying on the cross for my sins. Please forgive my sins and give me the gift of eternal life. I ask You in to my life and heart to be my Lord and Savior. I want to serve You always.” Amen
He helped me and I want you to feel his Love too.
Then pass on this prayer to others so they can get to know Gods unfailing love too!
Written by Jen about 2 years ago.

I think since when you get married you make a vow to stay together for life, you need to reconsider this. To want to get divorced over this shows that you aren’t committed to making things work. He can recover and things can be normal again.
Written by Helpyouishelpme about 2 years ago.

you can install NetDog Porn Filter : http://www.netdogsoft.com on the computer, netdog blocks all porn quitely and automatically in the background when your husnbad’s on the computer.
Written by toygal about 2 years ago.

I did the dutifual “til death do us part” wife thing when after 5 years of marriage I found out my husband had been a sex addict for 13 years.

I wasted 2 years of my life with him in treatment but him so far gone, there was nothing they could do for him.

Don’t let anyone tell you that you owe it to him. The Bible allows for divorce for those whose spouse commits adultry.

People who would judge you if you walked away havent’ lived it. Many porn addicts move on to meeting women or men. They get bored with one level of perversion and move on to something more dangerous or intense.

That being said, I do know that if caught early, and if working a 12 step program for this, there can be hope. But it is a struggle. The addict has to handle true intimacy.

Also, you need to find out what you have control on and what you don’t. You don’t have control on what he does. You focus on being focused and healthy yourself. There are 12 step programs for spouses of sex addicts.

Don’t make yourself sick over his sickness. Be well no matter what he does.

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I am so sad over losing my relationship with my husband over his porn addiction !?

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