Has anyone here had success with working a marriage out….?

April 11, 2010 admin 22 comments

after infidelity from the other spouse?

Is there any hope at all to be able to stay married and work things out after your spouse cheats?

My husband cheated… we are currently in counseling, but he still is not telling me the truth. I am dying inside and I am unable to move past all this without knowing the full truth… he simply ignores the question when I ask what really happened or he continues to make up lies that sound so absurd…

Now the counselor is focusing on his sobriety… he believes that if we can get him into a 12 step program then there is a potential for the truth to come out when he sobers up…

I have already filed for divorce, but need to wait 6 months for the divorce. Basically I told my husband, he has 6 months to get his life together and start making an effort at improving this marriage. If the marriage improves then we can cancel the divorce proceedinggs, but I filed for divorce to make a timeline for things to get better otherwise its over. I feel good I did this, but I feel so much struggle to just get through this… I am a good person, I am and have been a good wife, I feel this is his own struggles with his own morals and addictions…

I just don’t know what to do or if there is even any hope for this marriage… thoughts?
He admitted to cheating after I found the evidence on the phone bill and a car reservation…

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Comments

Written by yadee yadaa about 2 years ago.

If you are in counseling and he still isn’t telling the truth….that is not a very good sign…Sorry and Good Luck!
Written by marydassow about 2 years ago.

You are dealing with 2 major issues, infidelity and alcoholism. These are two very untruthful areas. Couseling is the only way, but take it from the ex wife of an alcoholic, they are the BEST liars and manipulators there are. You must ask yourself, is this the best life for ME? If you said no, go to alanon and move on, life is so short you deserve the best for YOURSELF and the rest will fall into place. My prayers are with you!!!!
Written by Julie H about 2 years ago.

What you need to consider is that once a cheater is caught, most times that cheater will just learn to be more careful in the future so he doesn’t get caught. The cheating won’t end. Another thng is if you really do want to try again, you have to be able to forgive AND forget. Forgetting is the most important. If you don’t have trust in the marriage and continually want to know where he’s been or are checking his cell phone or following him, it just won’t work. I would vote for divorce. Let him be some other woman’s problem.
Written by ruth about 2 years ago.

I have not personally been in such a marriage, but I have also not seen one work out in the sense you mean. Think about it: Even God Himself allowed divorce for adultery.
Written by ~Sheila~ about 2 years ago.

I don’t know if filing for divorce is the right idea, although I see where you’re going with it. It seems that filing for divorce is like the end is near and there is no hope.. it is expected. Kind of like your boss telling you that he’s writing you up and you will be fired in 6 months unless you change how you work completely.

I think your therapist sounds smart and that this is the way that this marriage could shape up to work out. You may want to ask their opinion about the divorce filing.. don’t you think your word is enough? If it doesn’t work out, that’s ok, because you can still be happy, and you may even be happier.
Written by KingAndrew about 2 years ago.

I feel that you have made positive steps in your life, although some of the steps are very hard, you did do the right thing. I have lived on both sides of your life, one married to a cheating spouse (16 years), one in which I was the cheater (8 years), both of the marriages failed in the end. You deserve happiness, and I hope you find it with your present husband or someone new. Good luck.
Written by Leah about 2 years ago.

I feel badly for you! you have all the right to do what you’ve done and everything you feel is justified but im skeptical on cheaters but if he’s willing to change that’s great! but your the one that’s gonna live with him and you’ve lost the most important thing in your relationship and that’s trust. As much as it would hurt me I would have to leave and hope time heals the hurt and im sure it will rather than years of going back and forth with the idea is he doing it again every time he leaves the house.
Written by ghetto_fab about 2 years ago.

sometimes it has nothing to do with you so there is nothing you can do to help but let it go… the healthiest for you is to get rid of the headache… what you did i am sure it will determine the right choice for you.. doesn’t seem like he cares enough to change things and become an honest husband..which is good for you cause it’ll only confirm your decision to leave and never look back or have regrets…
i think once a spouse has been unfaithful it ruins the marriage for life whether they get back and work things out or not.. it’s not something you can easily forgive and forget… even if ten years down the road things are fine the event that took place then will always be in the back of your mind and trust is just not 100% there as it was at first…
i think for you it’s time to leave it all behind and start over.. happiness does exist as well as someone faithful
Written by miriam s about 2 years ago.

good luck,I know how it feels to be in love with someone that you thought you could trust or you thought you knew! The pain in intolerable, Don’t ever feel like its your fault,If you could get him sober and to fully set down and tell you the truth it might just work out,the only bad part is it takes a long time to move past the infidelity,and you will prob. never forget,forgive maybe but forgetting is almost impossible,Good luck and if it doesn’t work out than its prob.for a reason,It would be for you to move on and find someone that would treat you with more love and respect.Good luck sweetheart!
Written by Dee about 2 years ago.

Went thru a terrible situation with a friend whose husband cheated. The following helped her:

1. Do you have the emotional stamina to handle another breakup?
2. If you are not being held hostage by finances, health insurance, etc. it might be better to break it off & be sad for a short while so you aren’t sad the rest of your life.

Best of luck to you and to your husband. The counselor is probably right–nothing will work until the addiction is dealt with.

P.S. My friend is back with her husband partly for health reasons (she got cancer). He is trying, he did open up, and they are going for counseling. But she is still sad alot of the time.
Written by mrs.yonnie about 2 years ago.

too many problems DIVORCE
Written by ssharma about 2 years ago.

Try to get to the crux of the matter,if this was just a one time thing than you can improve and work on a relationship,but if this was a long term thing and he is refusing to divulge the details that points to him still harboring some sort of feelings(good,bad whatever) towards that other person.
As for divorce,think about this,that if you love him enough to help him get through this,and i do mean love not your dependency upon him for anything,if yes than stand by him if not well than it will do both of you good to part ways.
Written by Sue about 2 years ago.

This is only my experience with a cheating spouse. I have never took anyone back that has cheated on me except for one time. I regret it because come to find out he cheated again with more than one woman. It drove me crazy, in the back of my mind I would always wondered if he would cheat again. I though after the first time he would learn his lesson and the lesson was that I am a good woman and was it worth him losing me for just a flame or a quickie.. With you situation I hope it gets better and you both can forget the past and move on. But both of you have to be willing to make it work. Good Luck.
Written by greeneyes_bjb about 2 years ago.

I know one couple who stayed together after infidelity. And honestly, they hate each other. They stayed together for the kids, but they are one of the most miserable couples I’ve ever seen.

If your husband is still lying to you AND won’t get sober, the chances of you working it out and actually being happy are slim to none.
Written by daisy about 2 years ago.

Stopping the drinking will not change the personality or morals of a person. That person only becomes sober. Which is good, in itself.

A liar and a cheat is another matter. His actions have nothing to do with you. He may make all this your fault in some way, but again, it is the biggest lie.

The main question is, how long are you going to tolerate this? How much pain can you endure? Can you live the rest of your life being a doormat, always on the edge of false hopes and despair? There is a much better life for you out there. Go for it.
Written by Quasimodo about 2 years ago.

Thoughts?

Okay…here it is.

The ball is in his court. Let’s see if he takes you seriously. If he doesn’t, then move ahead with the divorce. If after 6 months he doesn’t do the right thing, you file and now he comes crying to you and asks for another chance you’re a fool to give him one. He didn’t believe you seriously enough to conform so what makes you think he’d do it now?

Your ultimatium isn’t unreasonable. plenty of time for him to make a decision. Its up to him just how much he believes in the relationship.
Written by Grumpy about 2 years ago.

Sadly:

“Trust, like the soul when it has left the body, never returns.”
Written by Hotmama about 2 years ago.

How do you really know that he cheated on you?
Is it your gut feeling or do you suspect he is cheating? I wouldnt give up till you know for sure.
Written by Wildsunflower O about 2 years ago.

This is a hard question. First of all he cheated and this is surely not easy on anyone but it can be forgiven not by everyone but it can be done, it just will take a long time to heal inside. You can do this if the spouse is really sorry and if he realized that what he did was a huge mistake and would never do this to hurt you ever again. But he needs to make you feel this and if he does this then you can choose to start the process of forgiveness and of course he will need to work very hard to build back your trust. And in regards to the divorce only you know as i said if it is the right thing to do. If you feel there is not hope in fixing the relationship then you can take it to that level. In marriage it is not all roses and i guess you know that now. But the way i look at it he needs to get his act together and what i would have done is given him his Space to do so. I would have separated while trying to see if the marriage could get fixed and i guess this is what you are doing for the six months but this is kind of short to me. You hav lot’s on your plate to deal with.
Written by tfblechris about 2 years ago.

When he gets sober the steps depend on honesty. You may not be able to trust him any more. If that is the case you probably won’t be able to work it out. Maybe you would want to start going to Al-Anon. A support group for the loved ones of alcoholics.
Written by C Sunshine about 2 years ago.

Oh, God bless you, my friend!!!

I went through a very very similar experience.
It will all depend on his willingness to participate in saving the marriage.

Sounds like you may need to look into Al Anon meetings for support, while he works on becoming sober and his willingness to remain that way.

I could share my own story if you e-mail me. (click on my icon).

I will pray in the name of Jesus, that the Holy Spirit will lead you, and that the Father will bless you with strength, guidance and hope. No one should look to divorce as a solution. But sometimes, it is God’s will for us to move on. I pray that is not the case for you, as it was for me. I did pray for a long time for the Lord to “change him,” but it was me who needed to change, and accept that my marriage was over. It was a “hard pill to swallow,” but with God’s help, I got through it.

May the Lord be with you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Written by mike truss about 2 years ago.

I’m am so sorry this has happened in your life. Dealing with a cheating spouse is more than likely the most hurtful situation one can deal with in a lifetime.

I have had this situation happen to me with two wives. My ex and my current spouse.

Not wanting to give up on this current marriage I sat my wife down and asked what she would be willing to do to save our marriage. There wasn’t any yelling or arguing back and forth as we discussed this over a couple of weeks.

Entering counseling wasn’t required of either of us. We worked out our differences and made some changes in both our lives.

One was ridding our lives of Alcohol. We don’t have it around period anymore. We work everyday, on our marriage now that we are sober. Not a day goes by that we don’t tell each other “I love you”, along with a kiss and a long embrace.

Get your husband into a 12 step program, these do work if one puts forth the effort.

It’s not important that you know every minute detail of the cheating that has taken place.

What is important that he admits he did cheat. Leave it at that and work on the more important issues that brought this about in the first place..

Marriage takes work to make it successful, it’s when you give up working to build a marriage or when one party quits working along those lines is when it fails.

If both of you work together you will overcome this very hurtful period of your marriage.

Forgiveness may not be possible, it maybe someday but not right now as this is a new situation.

Most Every Marriage out their that is in trouble can be saved. Feel free to email me to talk further on this issue I have alot of experience in these matters both personal and paid professional experience.

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Has anyone here had success with working a marriage out….?

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