Comments on: About to get engaged but I truly dislike my future husband’s family and friends. What should I do??? http://www.confidentialdrugrehabilitation.com/about-to-get-engaged-but-i-truly-dislike-my-future-husband%e2%80%99s-family-and-friends-what-should-i-do/ Confidentiality and Discretion Wed, 01 Sep 2010 18:35:10 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.0 By: Anna Banana http://www.confidentialdrugrehabilitation.com/about-to-get-engaged-but-i-truly-dislike-my-future-husband%e2%80%99s-family-and-friends-what-should-i-do/comment-page-1/#comment-3958 Anna Banana Wed, 07 Apr 2010 02:51:19 +0000 http://www.confidentialdrugrehabilitation.com/2010/04/06/about-to-get-engaged-but-i-truly-dislike-my-future-husband%e2%80%99s-family-and-friends-what-should-i-do/#comment-3958 You've got your hands FULL. I just dumped my own friend because of that behavior. Too much drama, sex w/ strangers, drinking, falling down, fighting, etc. I am SO much happier now. I understand that he still wants to keep his friends. Is there any way you can have a real sit down talk about it & maybe urge him to create some boundaries for them? I've had to do that myself. Unfortunately, if he keeps the friends, you WILL see drama some day. My fiance is a recovering addict as are all of his friends so I thought I had it pretty good UNTIL I realized that addicts relapse. So, this isn't the greatest bunch either. I kid you not, during my Superbowl party, some random crackhead chick just walked right in our apartment & started saying that everything here belonged to her. The TV, the furniture, that's mine & that's mine LOL! My fiance knew her from meetings & she came by for a tattoo once 3 YEARS ago so she knew where he lived. I'm telling you. You WILL see some crap go down. You’ve got your hands FULL. I just dumped my own friend because of that behavior. Too much drama, sex w/ strangers, drinking, falling down, fighting, etc. I am SO much happier now. I understand that he still wants to keep his friends. Is there any way you can have a real sit down talk about it & maybe urge him to create some boundaries for them? I’ve had to do that myself. Unfortunately, if he keeps the friends, you WILL see drama some day.

My fiance is a recovering addict as are all of his friends so I thought I had it pretty good UNTIL I realized that addicts relapse. So, this isn’t the greatest bunch either. I kid you not, during my Superbowl party, some random crackhead chick just walked right in our apartment & started saying that everything here belonged to her. The TV, the furniture, that’s mine & that’s mine LOL! My fiance knew her from meetings & she came by for a tattoo once 3 YEARS ago so she knew where he lived. I’m telling you. You WILL see some crap go down.

]]> By: chica82 http://www.confidentialdrugrehabilitation.com/about-to-get-engaged-but-i-truly-dislike-my-future-husband%e2%80%99s-family-and-friends-what-should-i-do/comment-page-1/#comment-3957 chica82 Wed, 07 Apr 2010 02:23:13 +0000 http://www.confidentialdrugrehabilitation.com/2010/04/06/about-to-get-engaged-but-i-truly-dislike-my-future-husband%e2%80%99s-family-and-friends-what-should-i-do/#comment-3957 This is not the man for you. You have made all other great choices in your life why bring this man into your life. Women already know that you can't change a man and if you do try and change him it is just going to backfire. Your son does not need that kind of influence in his life either. He needs a level headed man with a good background to be a father figure. Him throwing it in your face means that he is really not as changed as you thought he was. He is not going to give up his friends and if he did you'll be to blame and won't live it down. Time to move on. Good Luck!!! This is not the man for you. You have made all other great choices in your life why bring this man into your life. Women already know that you can’t change a man and if you do try and change him it is just going to backfire. Your son does not need that kind of influence in his life either. He needs a level headed man with a good background to be a father figure. Him throwing it in your face means that he is really not as changed as you thought he was. He is not going to give up his friends and if he did you’ll be to blame and won’t live it down. Time to move on. Good Luck!!!

]]> By: Nena S http://www.confidentialdrugrehabilitation.com/about-to-get-engaged-but-i-truly-dislike-my-future-husband%e2%80%99s-family-and-friends-what-should-i-do/comment-page-1/#comment-3956 Nena S Wed, 07 Apr 2010 02:00:34 +0000 http://www.confidentialdrugrehabilitation.com/2010/04/06/about-to-get-engaged-but-i-truly-dislike-my-future-husband%e2%80%99s-family-and-friends-what-should-i-do/#comment-3956 I think you are being very smart here. I understand you love him; but he obviously has a lot of baggage from his past and both his family and friends will not go away once you marry him. The question is...Are you willing to endure the drama that will follow your marriage? I think you are a smart woman; and you should not only think how marrying this guy - and his family and friends, too- will affect you; you also have to think about what your son will see and will be exposed to. He is at a very difficult age now, and kids learn more by example than by us telling them what is right and what is wrong. I also agree when you say this is a deal-breaker. I am sorry to say that if your fiance sometimes says he is happy with you; but sometimes says he never sees anyone, he is confused -and this is not good. If he were totally committed and had never expressed this to you, I'd say think about it and maybe give it a try. BUT since he has said this to you, I really think you shouldn't ignore it. Chances are, once you two get married, his family and his friends will be coming to your house..... unnanounced. Please think this over VERY well. The fact he is a "walking contradiction" is a huge red flag you shouldn't ignore. Good luck. Please take things slowly, and do what is best for you and your son. I think you are being very smart here. I understand you love him; but he obviously has a lot of baggage from his past and both his family and friends will not go away once you marry him.

The question is…Are you willing to endure the drama that will follow your marriage? I think you are a smart woman; and you should not only think how marrying this guy – and his family and friends, too- will affect you; you also have to think about what your son will see and will be exposed to. He is at a very difficult age now, and kids learn more by example than by us telling them what is right and what is wrong.

I also agree when you say this is a deal-breaker. I am sorry to say that if your fiance sometimes says he is happy with you; but sometimes says he never sees anyone, he is confused -and this is not good. If he were totally committed and had never expressed this to you, I’d say think about it and maybe give it a try.

BUT since he has said this to you, I really think you shouldn’t ignore it. Chances are, once you two get married, his family and his friends will be coming to your house….. unnanounced.

Please think this over VERY well. The fact he is a “walking contradiction” is a huge red flag you shouldn’t ignore.
Good luck. Please take things slowly, and do what is best for you and your son.

]]> By: Green Eyes http://www.confidentialdrugrehabilitation.com/about-to-get-engaged-but-i-truly-dislike-my-future-husband%e2%80%99s-family-and-friends-what-should-i-do/comment-page-1/#comment-3955 Green Eyes Wed, 07 Apr 2010 01:41:13 +0000 http://www.confidentialdrugrehabilitation.com/2010/04/06/about-to-get-engaged-but-i-truly-dislike-my-future-husband%e2%80%99s-family-and-friends-what-should-i-do/#comment-3955 You don't marry him! You are married to them too. I didn't like my inlaws and it was baaaaad You don’t marry him! You are married to them too. I didn’t like my inlaws and it was baaaaad

]]> By: missknowitall http://www.confidentialdrugrehabilitation.com/about-to-get-engaged-but-i-truly-dislike-my-future-husband%e2%80%99s-family-and-friends-what-should-i-do/comment-page-1/#comment-3954 missknowitall Wed, 07 Apr 2010 01:27:52 +0000 http://www.confidentialdrugrehabilitation.com/2010/04/06/about-to-get-engaged-but-i-truly-dislike-my-future-husband%e2%80%99s-family-and-friends-what-should-i-do/#comment-3954 wow. if i ever heard of a woman trying to change everything about him,this is it....why dont you just tell him he is scum and you wont allow him to associate with riff raff...and then you can give him pocket money and get him a babysitter.....god let the man go back to drugs he will probably be happier...it sounds like YOU are the problem.tell him i said good luck. wow. if i ever heard of a woman trying to change everything about him,this is it….why dont you just tell him he is scum and you wont allow him to associate with riff raff…and then you can give him pocket money and get him a babysitter…..god let the man go back to drugs he will probably be happier…it sounds like YOU are the problem.tell him i said good luck.

]]> By: are ya fer real http://www.confidentialdrugrehabilitation.com/about-to-get-engaged-but-i-truly-dislike-my-future-husband%e2%80%99s-family-and-friends-what-should-i-do/comment-page-1/#comment-3953 are ya fer real Wed, 07 Apr 2010 00:52:53 +0000 http://www.confidentialdrugrehabilitation.com/2010/04/06/about-to-get-engaged-but-i-truly-dislike-my-future-husband%e2%80%99s-family-and-friends-what-should-i-do/#comment-3953 You will be the most miserable couple you know. you are best not to even get engaged. If you can't accept his family and friends he will not be able to accept yours. Therefore you are close minded and don't deserve each other. ayfr You will be the most miserable couple you know. you are best not to even get engaged. If you can’t accept his family and friends he will not be able to accept yours. Therefore you are close minded and don’t deserve each other.
ayfr

]]> By: Marina http://www.confidentialdrugrehabilitation.com/about-to-get-engaged-but-i-truly-dislike-my-future-husband%e2%80%99s-family-and-friends-what-should-i-do/comment-page-1/#comment-3952 Marina Wed, 07 Apr 2010 00:52:17 +0000 http://www.confidentialdrugrehabilitation.com/2010/04/06/about-to-get-engaged-but-i-truly-dislike-my-future-husband%e2%80%99s-family-and-friends-what-should-i-do/#comment-3952 You need to have a serious talk with him about this. If he left the junkie life behind, he needs to leave those junkie friends behind too. Is this really having an impact on your relationship, or are you just trying to be in control of everything in your boyfriends life? If it really isn't creating any personal drama for you or your relationship, you may be being unreasonable to expect he no longer has contact with the people he has known his whole life. You need to have a serious talk with him about this. If he left the junkie life behind, he needs to leave those junkie friends behind too. Is this really having an impact on your relationship, or are you just trying to be in control of everything in your boyfriends life? If it really isn’t creating any personal drama for you or your relationship, you may be being unreasonable to expect he no longer has contact with the people he has known his whole life.

]]> By: gingygirl http://www.confidentialdrugrehabilitation.com/about-to-get-engaged-but-i-truly-dislike-my-future-husband%e2%80%99s-family-and-friends-what-should-i-do/comment-page-1/#comment-3951 gingygirl Tue, 06 Apr 2010 23:58:44 +0000 http://www.confidentialdrugrehabilitation.com/2010/04/06/about-to-get-engaged-but-i-truly-dislike-my-future-husband%e2%80%99s-family-and-friends-what-should-i-do/#comment-3951 Wow...well at least his family is out of there....That is one hurdle. I know what you are saying about the leeching friends - they do suck the life and soul out of people. It is hard to make someone understand that - they can't see the forest for the trees. He has given up a lot - even with an abusive family, the abused child still tries like hell to make the abuser love him....so perhaps instead of making it an all or nothing deal, you could help hin (enable him....) to make new and more deserving friends - through your group of friends. You are asking someone to step outside of his comfort zone to create new and meaningful relationships with people he may feel he has nothing in common with - the abuse and sadness of his past life is what ties him to his friends...."They get him." I don't see this as a deal breaker - it is hurdle that needs to be overcome but you are there for support and guidance. He has come so far, don't back away now. Be there for him and show him that is is safe and fun and interesting! Good luck! Wow…well at least his family is out of there….That is one hurdle.

I know what you are saying about the leeching friends – they do suck the life and soul out of people. It is hard to make someone understand that – they can’t see the forest for the trees.

He has given up a lot – even with an abusive family, the abused child still tries like hell to make the abuser love him….so perhaps instead of making it an all or nothing deal, you could help hin (enable him….) to make new and more deserving friends – through your group of friends.

You are asking someone to step outside of his comfort zone to create new and meaningful relationships with people he may feel he has nothing in common with – the abuse and sadness of his past life is what ties him to his friends….”They get him.”

I don’t see this as a deal breaker – it is hurdle that needs to be overcome but you are there for support and guidance. He has come so far, don’t back away now. Be there for him and show him that is is safe and fun and interesting!

Good luck!

]]> By: Bob http://www.confidentialdrugrehabilitation.com/about-to-get-engaged-but-i-truly-dislike-my-future-husband%e2%80%99s-family-and-friends-what-should-i-do/comment-page-1/#comment-3950 Bob Tue, 06 Apr 2010 23:31:16 +0000 http://www.confidentialdrugrehabilitation.com/2010/04/06/about-to-get-engaged-but-i-truly-dislike-my-future-husband%e2%80%99s-family-and-friends-what-should-i-do/#comment-3950 I do not think you are ready to get married. I would wait a longer period of time to see if this problem works itself out. If you BF truly is turning over a new leaf than he will eventually leave his old friends behind. He may not be ready for this and this issue will cause you constant problems. He will eventually come to resent you for changing him or trying to change him. He has to come to the mountain on his own. You can be a guide - that is all. Best of luck I do not think you are ready to get married. I would wait a longer period of time to see if this problem works itself out. If you BF truly is turning over a new leaf than he will eventually leave his old friends behind. He may not be ready for this and this issue will cause you constant problems. He will eventually come to resent you for changing him or trying to change him. He has to come to the mountain on his own. You can be a guide – that is all. Best of luck

]]> By: CarmelDlite http://www.confidentialdrugrehabilitation.com/about-to-get-engaged-but-i-truly-dislike-my-future-husband%e2%80%99s-family-and-friends-what-should-i-do/comment-page-1/#comment-3949 CarmelDlite Tue, 06 Apr 2010 23:19:41 +0000 http://www.confidentialdrugrehabilitation.com/2010/04/06/about-to-get-engaged-but-i-truly-dislike-my-future-husband%e2%80%99s-family-and-friends-what-should-i-do/#comment-3949 Don't get married because you are stuck with them until DEATH DUE YOU PART!!!! It will only get worse once you get married..... Save yourself the heart ache now and RUN!!!!! Don’t get married because you are stuck with them until DEATH DUE YOU PART!!!! It will only get worse once you get married…..

Save yourself the heart ache now and RUN!!!!!

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